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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22430647">what you used to call me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lulu_and_eli/pseuds/lulu_and_eli'>lulu_and_eli</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SKAM (France)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Post Break-up, mentions of addiction/drinking/drugs, sexual content but not explicit, yann is the braincell we all know and love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 08:34:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,117</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22430647</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lulu_and_eli/pseuds/lulu_and_eli</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>They had been together since Eliott’s last year in high school, and now Eliott was in his third year of university. Eliott had never been happier or more in love in his life than he was when he and Lucas were together, and he thought their relationship would last forever, immune to the hardships of adulthood. Apparently the universe had a different plan for them, because about a year ago, everything turned to shit.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>203</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>what you used to call me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hellooooo apparently all I can do is write based on fine line so here we are.<br/>this fic is heavily inspired by the song and the lyrics so if you spot some of the words lmk in the comments ;)<br/>if you haven't heard the song I HIGHLY recommend because it's fucking beautiful.<br/>thank you so much to my beautiful mother ro for beta-ing this for me I love you<br/>and thank you to my chaos sister elle for giving me the base idea for the backstory bc I never would have<br/>song title is cherry by harry styles<br/>tw//mentions of addiction, drinking, drug use; sexual content (not explicit)<br/>enjoy mecs :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A blistering cold breeze hits Eliott in the face as he shoves the door open, exiting the art studio to brave the snowy day. <i>Just one more week, and then finals are over for the winter</i>, he tells himself. Between all of his classes, he’s got two paintings to finish, a short film that needs editing, and even a mini sculpture. So much for specialization in film. </p><p>He glances around as he walks through the campus. It looks empty, lonely; he figures most people have finished with their finals and are at home for the holidays, relaxing with their loved ones. Eliott can’t wait to do the same.</p><p>Well. Not exactly the same.</p><p>His “loved ones” category looks a little different than it had for the past couple Christmases, now that it no longer included the person he’d thought he would spend the rest of his life with, Lucas.</p><p>They had been together since Eliott’s last year in high school, and now Eliott was in his third year of university. Eliott had never been happier or more in love in his life than he was when he and Lucas were together, and he thought their relationship would last forever, immune to the hardships of adulthood. Apparently the universe had a different plan for them, because about a year ago, everything turned to shit.</p><p>                                                                                                                         ~~~</p><p>
  <i>It’s late by the time Eliott comes through the door. The flat is quiet. Too quiet. He knows Lucas is home, though. He doesn’t know why, but the sheer silence awakens a sense of dread inside of him, making his blood run cold.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He sets his things down on their coffee table and makes his way towards the fridge to grab a snack. It’s like this, now. Coming home far too late, drunk, high, whatever. Lucas not even coming to the door when he returns, Eliott himself far too fucked up to notice. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>It had been spiraling into this mess over the past three months, or so. It had started with a major manic episode, his first one in a long time, which then sent him into one of the worst depressive episodes of his life. He felt like he never quite got out of it.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Even after he summoned the ability to get out of bed, his head never cleared of those dark thoughts. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>So he started to drink more often. And smoke more often. And try other things he’d never tried before. He wasn’t addicted to anything, he was no junkie, but it was all he could do to cope with the way he was feeling.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>And Lucas couldn’t understand.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>When it first began, Lucas tried to talk to Eliott, tried to reason with him, try and convince him to stop for awhile. But when Eliott didn’t stop, Lucas would cry, plead with Eliott, hold his hands, beg him to stop. For his own good. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Please Eliott,” Lucas would sniffle, “Please, stop. People can help you, you’re not alone. I love you. I can’t lose you to this. Please.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Eliott was barely able to tell which was the real Lucas out of the three that were spinning around in his vision.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Which brings them to this moment.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He’s getting back from a university party, where there had of course been drinks, weed, and then some acid to top it all off. He can still feel the tail end of his trip, but he feels present enough to make himself a quick bite to eat before falling into bed next to Lucas, who’s probably already asleep. It is 3:30 in the morning, after all. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>As he takes the bread and peanut butter out of the cabinet to make himself a sandwich, he hears the bedroom door open.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He turns his head, and Lucas is walking over to the kitchen, rubbing his eyes and pulling a shirt over his head. Eliott tries to smile at him, but Lucas just looks at him with sad, fatigued eyes.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Where were you?” His voice is so quiet, but it’s like he knows already where Eliott was, what he was doing. He just wants to hear Eliott say it.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Eliott looks down at the counter.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Just a party, you know.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Yeah, I know.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Eliott bites his lip guiltily, and takes a step towards Lucas. “I’m tired, let’s just-“</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“I can’t do this anymore.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Eliott freezes. “Wh-what? Lucas, what are you talking about?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“This, Eliott,” Lucas says, motioning between the two of them. “Us. You, getting so fucked up you can barely speak to me, touch me, be a person. I can’t do it anymore.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“But Lucas, I-I love you.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“I’m sorry Eliott, but it can’t work like that. Like this. I know you love me, and I love you, but it’s not enough.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Eliott leans forward and grips the kitchen counter until his knuckles turn white, suddenly feeling light-headed.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“No, Lucas. I love you more than anything in the world. I know I’m a little messed up right now, but I swear, this isn’t going to be forever. I’ll get better, I promise.” It’s not a big deal. He <i>will</i> get better.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>But Lucas just looks at him sadly, shaking his head, his beautiful eyes tired and filled with tears, until Eliott sees a single one roll down Lucas’ cheek.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“I promise, I’ll be good for you again. You don’t need to worry, Lucas, I can do it,” Eliott is pleading, hardly able to comprehend the situation at hand. Lucas can’t possibly be breaking up with him. They’re soulmates, the best couple everyone knows.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Lucas is crying, looking like it’s taking all of his strength just to remain standing. “Eliott, I love you too, I care about you more than I care about myself. And I know that you’ll get better. But I can’t be with you anymore, it’s too much. It’s too much smelling the vodka on you, or finding you passed out on the floor when I get home, or scared that you’re dead somewhere on the street. I need to take care of myself for a while. Please, please understand that,” Lucas says weakly.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Before Eliott can protest anymore, Lucas is turning, walking back into the bedroom and returning with a backpack, clearly filled, over his shoulder.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Lucas, what are you-“</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“I’m going to go stay with Yann for a while, until I can find someplace on my own…” He starts walking towards the door. Eliott follows him with lost eyes.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Wait, Lucas, wait-” Lucas falters for a second, and Eliott uses that chance to grip Lucas’ arm, making him turn around until they’re looking each other in the eyes. There’s still tears flowing down Lucas’s cheeks. “Is this…are we…are you breaking up with me? Is that what’s happening right now?”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Lucas glances down to the floor and chokes back a sob, then looks back to Eliott.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“Yes,” he whispers, “Yes, Eliott, that is what’s happening.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Eliott is too stunned to speak. He’s too stunned when Lucas says softly, “I love you. So much. Please get help, baby.” He’s too stunned when Lucas leans forward to kiss Eliott’s cheek before turning and leaving.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>And then Eliott is alone.</i>
</p><p>                                                                                                                               ~~~</p><p>Many visits to rehab and two relapses later, Eliott is alive, clean, and better. He can feel every snowflake dancing upon his skin, clearly hear the crunch of snow under his boots. He finds himself noticing these things, now. It wasn’t easy, to stop drinking, stop using. He always felt like his mind would slip back into depression if he stopped, like it was inevitable. Until his first time being sober, he realized all the alcohol and drugs were doing was holding him back from happiness. It feels dramatic to think it; it’s not like he was ever on the verge of death with his drug use. It’s not by some miracle that he’s alive. But he could’ve gone that way. He could be dead, right now. The only thing that kept him from that fate, <i>person</i>, rather…</p><p>Eliott shakes the thought out of his head, determined not to cry. If he’s going to cry at all this week, it can only be devoted to finals. God knows he’s done enough crying over Lucas over the past year to last him a lifetime.</p><p><i>Wow, how uplifting</i>, he thinks to himself as he exits the campus and makes his way down the street to a café to grab a coffee before heading home. He’s found a new routine now, on his own, one that he quite likes. Get up, work a shift at the campus bookstore, go to class, go home, repeat. Some might say it’s repetitive, but it works for him. He needs it. </p><p>He approaches the café and walks through the door, towards the line, only to bump into-</p><p>“Sorry!”</p><p>“Lucas?”</p><p>He turns around, and Eliott’s heart stops.</p><p>It’s Lucas, his <i>Lucas</i>. They haven’t seen each other since that horrible night Lucas left him. He looks the exact same. His hair is a bit longer and his eyes are even more blue, if that’s even possible, but it’s still Lucas.</p><p>“Eliott,” Lucas breathes out, like he can’t believe who he’s seeing. Eliott knows the feeling.</p><p>Eliott can barely think, he’s so happy to see Lucas again. He wants Lucas to know how he’s doing. He wants to talk to him, tell him he’s clean, how he’s doing well in school. He wants everything.</p><p>“How are you, Eliott?”</p><p>“I’m good. Really good,” Eliott smiles, and he adds on proudly, but timidly, “I’ve been clean now for seven months, too.”</p><p>Lucas almost looks moved to tears within an instant, and it almost looks like he’s holding himself back from hugging Eliott. Which is strange. Even though they’re broken up, it shouldn’t be weird for Lucas to hug him. </p><p>“That’s incredible Eliott, really. I’m so proud of you.” Lucas says it so sincerely it pulls at Eliott’s heart. </p><p>“Thank you, Lucas, that means so much, I mean…I was partly doing it for you, you know.” It’s the truth. Of course, Eliott had to learn that sobriety had to be something for <i>him</i>, not for anyone else, but. He could get sober for Lucas, too, he thinks.</p><p>Lucas just kind of nods and looks at the floor, which…isn’t really the reaction Eliott is expecting, but he understands.</p><p>“So, how have you been? If you want we can get a coffee and sit down, catch up.” </p><p>“Oh, well, actually, I’m kind of here with-“</p><p>It all happens so fast. A guy, tall, dirty blonde hair, comes up from behind Lucas and slides his arm around his waist and pulls him close, similar to how Eliott used to. Then he kisses Lucas’s cheek. And then this guy says, “Ready to go?”</p><p>Lucas looks like a deer in headlights. The guy seems to just now notice Eliott, because he says, “Who’s this?”</p><p>Lucas still isn’t saying anything, just staring at Eliott with wide eyes. So Eliott decides to take the reins.</p><p>He reaches out his hand and the guy shakes it. “I’m Eliott.”</p><p>“Eliott,” the guy repeats.</p><p>“He’s, uh, my ex,” Lucas finally cuts in. <i>Ex</i>. He hates that that’s what he is to Lucas now. He’s barely used to the fact that’s he’s no longer Lucas’s boyfriend, and Lucas isn’t his. A look of surprise covers the guy’s face. Eliott can’t help but feel hurt. Did Lucas really not tell this guy, whoever he was, about him?</p><p>“Eliott, this is Leo. My boyfriend.”</p><p>Eliott’s eyes widen, and his heart sinks. Boyfriend. Lucas has a new boyfriend. Someone else. Sure, they’ve been apart for a year, but Eliott sure as hell hasn’t thought about getting together with anyone else, that’s for sure. He wonders how serious it is, if they’ve moved in, if they’ve said “I love you”, how long Lucas waited after he dumped Eliott to move on.</p><p>He realizes he hasn’t said anything in the last few minutes when the guy plastered to Lucas’ side looks at him with a weird face.</p><p>“It’s, uh, nice to meet you, Leo. I’m sorry, I can’t stick around, finals, you know. But, yeah, nice to meet you.”</p><p>“Yeah, you too, Eliott.” He seems kind. Eliott wants to punch him.</p><p>As Eliott fumbles around, trying to balance his art folders in his arms, he sees Lucas pull Leo aside, telling him something. He hears the tail end of it, Lucas saying, “I’ll be right out, baby.” <i>Baby</i>. That’s what Lucas used to call Eliott. </p><p>Before those thoughts consume him, Lucas is walking back to Eliott, alone, still looking just as nervous as before.</p><p>“If you want, I’m up for getting a coffee sometime. When you’re finished with finals, of course,” Lucas motions to Eliott’s folders in his arms and smiles. God, how Eliott has missed his smile.</p><p>“Yeah. Yeah, of course, Lucas. I would love that.” He <i>really</i> would, he realizes. No matter how much it hurts that Lucas now has someone else, he wants to talk to Lucas for hours on end, catch up on all the time they’ve missed.</p><p>“Okay, great. Well, you have my number, so. Just text me whenever and we can get together.”</p><p>Eliott gives him a strained smile. “Okay.”</p><p>Lucas nods and turns to leave, and Eliott turns back to face the line, still waiting to order his damn coffee. That’s when he feels a strong grip on the back of his arm, turning him roughly around. Before he knows it, he’s being wrapped in Lucas’s tight embrace, face buried in his beautiful chestnut hair. He drops his folders to the ground and immediately throws his arms around Lucas’s neck just as tightly, holding on like a lifeline. Breathing him in. He can tell he still uses the coconut-scented shampoo. Lucas shifts, until his lips are right against Eliott’s ear. Eliott shivers.</p><p>“I just wanted to tell you again how proud I am of you. I’m so fucking proud of you, you have no idea. I’m so happy you’re doing well. Please know that.” Lucas pulls back to look at Eliott with glassy eyes. Eliott feels like he could collapse under Lucas’s gaze. </p><p>“Thank you, Lucas. From you, that means everything.”</p><p>Lucas smiles, eyes still watery. “Well, then, I guess I’ll see you soon?”</p><p>“See you soon.”</p><p>With that, Lucas walks out of the café, just like he walked out that apartment door. Except this time, new boyfriend or not, it doesn’t feel like an end.</p><p>                                                                                                                         ~~~</p><p>No matter how well seeing Lucas might have gone, even a few days later Eliott can’t stop thinking about the <i>baby. Baby, baby, baby</i>, Lucas’s voice ringing through his head. </p><p>In the beginning of their relationship Lucas had been strongly against the use of pet names, teasing Eliott for wanting to call Lucas his <i>choupi</i>. But then, one night Lucas had been so wine drunk and he accidentally called Eliott baby while Eliott was carrying him to bed. And from there it had stuck. He was Lucas’s baby.</p><p>But not anymore. </p><p>Lucas has someone else now, someone else to call baby. Why does he have to call Leo <i>that</i>? It could have been anything else. Even babe. <i>Anything</i> but baby. A part of Eliott’s heart broke when he heard the word escape Lucas’s lips, not directed at him.</p><p>Eliott shakes the thoughts from his head as he gets out of bed. It’s a Sunday, the last week of finals ahead of him, and he should be focused on that. But all he can think about is Lucas. </p><p>Lucas and his <i>baby</i>. </p><p>Eliott needs to see him again. He needs to talk to him one-on-one, without the pressure of the waiting boyfriend, or the awkwardness of the first time seeing each other in almost a year. And then he remembers that Lucas said he could text him. <i>Lucas wants to see him too</i>. </p><p>He checks the time. 12h36. Without hesitating he grabs his phone and opens up his texts with Lucas; he still hasn’t deleted any of them since they met. He can’t.</p><p>
  <i>Hey. Do you want to meet for a coffee at the same café off campus today? Around 14h?</i>
</p><p>He sends the text without a second thought. He just wants to talk to him. See him smile more. Make him laugh. <strike>Make him love Eliott again</strike>.</p><p>His phone vibrates while he’s brushing his teeth.</p><p>
  <i>Sure, I’ll see you then :)</i>
</p><p>Eliott can’t help the huge smile that splits across his face. He <i>knows</i> Lucas has a boyfriend, but that reply is telling him that Lucas is excited about seeing Eliott, too. Maybe even as excited as Eliott is. </p><p>                                                                                                                            ~~~</p><p>Eliott nervously walks down the street towards the café. A part of him tells him he is more excited than nervous, but still. What if Lucas is angry or frustrated? What if this whole thing just affirms that he really is done with Eliott for good?</p><p>He tries to relax and focus on something else. He looks down at his black sneakers, stained and worn out. They match the clothes he’s wearing- he’s wearing his usual pair of black ripped skinny jeans and a white t-shirt with the word “amour” printed in blue over his chest, in the corner. He bought it because it reminded him of something Lucas would wear.</p><p>He approaches the door and walks in, immediately scanning the room for Lucas. He isn’t there yet, so Eliott goes to order coffee. He gets black coffee for himself and one for Lucas, loaded with cream and sugar. Lucas had always gone on and on about how black coffee was gross and that it wasn’t drinkable unless it had at least three creams mixed in, and Eliott remembers. </p><p>He sits down at a table by the window, taking a sip of his coffee, so that he can spot Lucas when he arrives. For a brief moment he wonders if Lucas forgot, or if he’s just blowing it off. </p><p>But it all disappears when he sees Lucas approach the door and swing it open, doing the same thing Eliott did, looking around for him. He looks so beautiful, hair wilder than ever, eyes shining.</p><p>Once he spots Eliott, he gives him a smile and walks over. Eliott’s heart is pounding.</p><p>Eliott stands up, although he’s not really sure why. Are they going to hug again? Just say hi? </p><p>But all of a sudden Lucas is right in front of him and Eliott can’t think anymore.</p><p>“Hi,” Lucas says softly, like he doesn’t want anyone else to hear.</p><p>“Hey,” Eliott responds just as quietly. And then, looking at his love, he can’t stop himself. He reaches forward and pulls Lucas into another tight hug, holding him so close he can feel his heart beating. He could almost cry, it feels so good to touch Lucas again. He can feel Lucas clinging onto him just as tightly.</p><p>They separate, and Lucas is looking at Eliott with this look in his eye. Eliott can’t really decipher what exactly Lucas is thinking; he looks…relieved. So happy.</p><p>For the first time it occurs to Eliott how strange it must be for Lucas to see Eliott like this again. In the last few months of their relationship, Lucas had to watch Eliott deteriorate, under the influence pretty much every night. Completely not himself. But now, he’s the same smiley, artistic, passionate Eliott that Lucas fell in love with. The Eliott who Lucas hopefully could still love. </p><p>“Well,” Lucas starts to say, “I’m gonna go get a coffee.”</p><p>“Oh, I actually got one for you already. I still remember how you take it with a disgusting amount of shit in there,” Eliott says fondly, laughing lightly.</p><p>Lucas smiles back. “Thank you. I can pay you back.”</p><p>“Don’t worry about it,” Eliott assures him and they both sit down.</p><p>There’s a moment where they just look at each other for a second, like they’re trying to make sure this is real. They love<strike>d</strike> each other so much at one point, and it’s hard to believe that they’re sitting across from each other after all they had been through.</p><p>Lucas is the first one to break the silence.</p><p>“I like your shirt.”</p><p>Eliott looks down at the word on his shirt and blushes slightly. “Thanks. I figured you would, it’s like that sweatshirt of yours.”</p><p>Lucas grins. “Yeah, that’s true.”</p><p>“And I suppose there’s still a bit of you in the way I dress.”</p><p>Lucas’s smile fades a bit at that, but he doesn’t look angry. He looks conflicted.</p><p>“How have you been, Eliott? And I don’t want some boring answer. I want to know, honestly.”</p><p>Eliott hesitates. “Are you sure?” He doesn’t want to freak Lucas out, or make him feel bad.</p><p>“Yes, I’m sure.”</p><p>“Okay, I guess I’ll just tell you everything, then.” Lucas nods and sits back in his seat, like he’s preparing for something.</p><p>Eliott nods to himself, taking a big breath before opening his mouth.</p><p>“When, uh, when we broke up, that was pretty much rock bottom for me. I didn’t start to try and sober up right away, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that without you, I felt empty. No amount of alcohol or drugs could fill that void that you left.” Eliott feels himself tear up, and he can see the same thing happening to Lucas. “Maybe like two weeks after, I checked myself into rehab, one of those thirty day things. You should have seen some of the people there, Lucas. Some were completely strung out, some were going through the worst withdrawal pains of their lives. It was horrible to see. I was just so grateful that I hadn’t gotten as far along as them.” </p><p>It was true; Eliott had had a problem, for sure, but most of the people he’d talked to in rehab were going through things way worse than him. Over ten relapses, heavily addicted to crystal meth, heroin, you name it. </p><p>“It went well there, but it was scary when I got out. It felt like too much to be on my own again. I felt like I had no one to talk to.”</p><p>“You could have talked to me,” Lucas whispered, voice shaking.</p><p>“I felt like I couldn’t. You had told me you couldn’t handle it, handle me like that, and that’s okay. I understand. I just didn’t want to burden you anymore.”</p><p>Lucas exhales. “You were <i>never</i> a burden to me, Eliott. I’m so sorry that I made you feel that way. I know I could have used a better choice of words that night…but more than anything I wanted you to get better. I wanted my boyfriend back. And I knew you needed to do it on your own.”</p><p>Eliott feels the first tear trail down his cheek. That whole time, he had thought that Lucas didn’t want anything to do with him, when it turns out that Lucas always wanted him. He just wanted his boyfriend back to normal.</p><p>“Well, you should know that I probably wouldn’t have gotten sober if it hadn’t been for you. You kind of slapped the sense into me that I needed to get my shit together.”</p><p>“You can’t put that on me, though. <i>You</i> did the work, you went to rehab, you did that. I didn’t force you to do anything.”</p><p>“I know, but. Can you just accept my gratitude? Please.” </p><p>Lucas doesn’t say anything but he nods, accepting Eliott’s words.</p><p>“Anyway, yeah. I relapsed a few times, went in and out of rehab a few times. But I knew I needed to be completely sober. And it’s been seven months.”</p><p>There are tears trickling down Lucas’s cheeks now, too. “Seven months,” he says breathily. “That’s a long time.”</p><p>It’s unspoken, but understood, how much time has passed since they’ve seen each other.</p><p>“Speaking of time, how have you been?” Eliott doesn’t mean to put a slight edge to question, like, <i>tell about this new guy</i>, but it kind of slips out like that.</p><p>Lucas looks a bit flustered, but he begins. “I’ve been okay. I mean, it was awful at first. It hurt so bad, knowing you were going through that. You were the love of my life. But I needed to distance myself,” Lucas says, still through tears.</p><p>Eliott wants to hold his hand. So he does. He reaches across to where Lucas’s hand is resting on the table and grabs it, intertwining his fingers with his. Lucas sucks in a breath through his nose.</p><p>“I know,” Eliott says, “I understand. Please know that I don’t resent you for leaving. I was barely a person anymore. I wasn’t good to you. And you were the love of my life too.”</p><p>Lucas’s eyes close, trying, and failing, to block even more tears from falling. He covers their joined hands with his other hand, holding on tight. </p><p>Lucas takes a second to regain control of himself, and then he continues. “I know I have a boyfriend now, Eliott. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still care so much about you.”</p><p>Those words. Somehow that’s all Eliott needed to hear. He brings his hand to rest on Lucas’s, so now it’s just a cluster of hands.</p><p>“I know, Lucas. I still care about you just as much too.” </p><p>Eliott considers it, but he decides not to bring up the baby thing. He doesn’t want this to be uncomfortable for Lucas.</p><p>“So, he’s treating you good, right? No one I have to beat up?”</p><p>Lucas laughs, a beautiful melody to Eliott’s ears. “No, no. You won’t have to beat anyone up. He’s perfectly kind. A lot like you in that way.”</p><p>He knows Lucas said it as a compliment, but it stings. It’s like Lucas went and found the upgraded version of Eliott, the one who’s not bipolar and in recovery. But he can’t show that to Lucas. Not when he’s doing well, found someone better. So he plasters on his best grin.</p><p>“Well. That’s great, Lucas. I’m glad you’re happy, you deserve that. You deserve everything.”</p><p>And it goes from there. Eliott tells Lucas about his projects he’s working on, and Lucas tells Eliott about an internship he had over the summer in a lab. It’s nice. Familiar. They agree to do it again. But Eliott can’t help but notice how much better off Lucas is without him. </p><p>And it’s killing him.</p><p>                                                                                                                             ~~~</p><p>Freedom. Finally.</p><p>Eliott just turned in the last of his projects, and he’s walking back to his flat, finally done for the winter. He can’t wait to enjoy his Christmas break: three whole weeks free of sleepless nights painting, shooting the same scene over and over…</p><p>And, more importantly, three whole weeks for him to wallow in his heartache over Lucas in peace.</p><p>Before they met up, Eliott had hope. He truly believed that Lucas would want him back. He thought if Lucas saw how far Eliott had come, he would come back, because he couldn’t possibly be happier with Leo. </p><p>But he was wrong. He was <i>so</i> wrong. </p><p>Lucas is better off without him. All Eliott ever did was hold Lucas back, cause him pain, drag him down into his darkness.</p><p><i>Lucas doesn’t want you. He’s happier now. You’re bad for him. He will never love you again. You will be alone</i>.</p><p>He can feel his heart beating faster as he picks up his speed, trying to get back home to avoid a breakdown on the street.</p><p>He begins to feel a familiar mix of desperation and restlessness take over his body.</p><p>He wants to drink. Oh god, he wants to drink.</p><p>He hasn’t had an urge in months, not since before he got sober for good.</p><p>But now, he feels exactly how he felt then. Numb. Empty. And he knows that if he drinks he’ll feel full. For a few hours anyway. </p><p>
  <i>There’s a bar only two blocks away</i>, he thinks to himself, turning to walk in a new direction. Is he really about to do this? Sacrifice everything he’s worked so hard for? <i>It doesn’t matter, no one gives a fuck about you anyway and no one ever will</i>. </p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i></i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Just as the bar comes into his line of vision, his phone rings with an incoming call. Yann.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Confused, he stops in his tracks and answers.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Hello?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Hey, Eliott, it’s Yann. How are you?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  “I…I’m uhhh…”, <i>about to break my sobriety but we won’t mention that</i>, “I’m doing okay. And you?”
</p><p>
  Eliott shouldn’t feel weird talking to Yann. He’d actually kept in decent touch with some of Lucas’ friends after their breakup. But now, for some reason, after seeing Lucas it feels so strange to talk to Yann. It’s like he’s thinking, <i>why didn’t you tell me he had a boyfriend? Why did no one bother to mention that?</i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I’m good, I’m good. Listen, I actually wanted to talk to you about something. Is now a good time?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Uh, sure. Yeah. What’s up?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Well, Lucas told me that you guys got coffee the other day.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Yeah, we did.” It makes Eliott a little happy that Lucas told someone about it. To Eliott that means he wanted to talk to someone about it, not keep it in the dark. Eliott’s heart warms, slightly, but it’s there.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“He told me it was nice. He had a good time, Eliott.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Despite everything Eliott grins. “Yeah, I had a good time too. It was so great to see him again.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Yeah, that’s pretty much what he said about you. He’s really missed you, Eliott.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Yann’s words feel like a bucket of cold ice poured over his head, and Eliott grips his phone with white knuckles, pressing it to his ear even harder.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He laughs, but it’s strangled with his tears threatening to spill. “You can’t say that, Yann. He has a new boyfriend now. He’s clearly much better off without me. I find it hard to believe that he’s missed me that much.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“That’s not true Eliott, you have to believe me. It’s just not true.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“What isn’t?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“That he’s better. I swear to you man, he’s not happier without you. Do you have any idea how much I’ve had to deal with him sobbing onto my shoulder because of how much he’s missed you? It’s fucking ridiculous. But it’s true.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Well, yeah. It was really hard in the beginning. It was the same for me.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“No, Eliott. It wasn’t just the beginning.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Hold on. “Yann, what do you mean?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“He wasn’t just sad right after you guys broke up. He hasn’t been himself for a year. He learned to put up a mask every day, with the guys, with Leo, but I know him. He’s not okay, not since you’ve been out of his life.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“But-but how do you know?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Yann scoffs. “How? Because I can see him looking out of the window when we’re all out, holding back tears because he wants you there. I can hear it in his voice when he says he wants to stay in alone, because sometimes he’s tired of pretending when he’d rather be alone and imagine you’re with him. And mostly because every time he gets drunk he ends up with his face buried in my shirt crying about how miserable he is, how alone he feels without you.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  Eliott has to lean up against a wall to process everything he just heard. Lucas isn’t better. He’s <i>worse</i>. “Oh my god,” is all he can say then. “Wait, he has another boyfriend. If he misses me that much why is he with him?”
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Honestly, I’m not exactly sure, Eliott. It could be he’s just trying desperately to move on, or it could be that he’s just trying to fill the void. Even if it’s not really you.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Fill the void</i>. That’s exactly how Eliott had described his drinking and drug use to Lucas. He never would have thought that Lucas could be trying to fill the void, in a different way.
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Oh Jesus,” Eliott breathes out.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I know. I know it’s a lot. But I felt like you deserve to know. I don’t want you to think Lucas is out there doing fabulous, because he’s not. He hasn’t been for a year. And mostly, I don’t want you to give up. Don’t give up on him, Eliott. I have a feeling this thing between him and Leo won’t last much longer. You’re the love of his life, Eliott. Nothing, no one else could ever compare to that.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Something twists deep inside of Eliott. The phone trembles against his ear, and he can’t help the wounded whimper escaping from his lips as he tries to support himself against the wall. A part of him cries with joy, because he may still have a chance with Lucas after all; but another part of him mourns for the boy he broke. Still, he takes a deep breath, a new kind of determination resting in his bones.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Okay, okay, I won’t. I won’t give up. Just. Where do I even go from here? Should I call him?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“No, let him come to you. I’m sure he will. He hasn’t been able to stop talking about you since he saw you on Sunday. But I didn’t tell you that.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  Eliott laughs into the phone, looking up at the sky, smiling, his mind singing with glee. <i>Thank you, thank you to whoever is up there for giving me this chance</i>.
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Alright, I won’t call him. I’ll wait. Yann?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Yeah?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Thanks.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Anytime buddy. We all know I have to be the voice of reason for Lucas most of the time.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott chuckles, drying his tears with the back of his sleeve. “Yeah, I suppose so.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Bye, Eliott.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Bye, Yann.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott hangs up the phone, putting it back in his pocket. He can’t believe the conversation he just had. He can’t believe what he was about to do before it.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
    <i>Lucas might actually want him back.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He takes one look at the bar in the distance and turns around on his heel, walking back to his flat.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>                                                                                                                             ~~~</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>The next Sunday, exactly one week after their coffee date, Eliott is harshly awakened in the middle of the night by his phone ringing. He begrudgingly forces his eyes open and checks the time. 02h49. He groans, but goes to pick up his phone. And he is entirely unprepared for the name glowing on the screen.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucas.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>His face is illuminating the screen. Eliott still has the same photo saved to Lucas’ contact. One where Lucas is holding up strands of his own hair away from his head, making it look like he had been struck by lightning, smiling up at the camera with a big grin and eyes so, so blue and so sparkling. It was one of Eliott’s favorites, because of the way it always made him laugh.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He’s not laughing now, though. He clumsily scrambles to sit up in bed, taking a quick sip of water from a glass on his nightstand to ensure that he won’t sound like a dead bird when he tries to talk, and breathes in deep.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He hits answer.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Hello? Lucas?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Hi,” Lucas responds, sounding a little distant. “Are you sleeping?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Well, I-I was but-“</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Oh, I’m sorry,” Lucas says. “I just…I don’t know. I was thinking, and I guess I just wanted to call you? I’m sorry, it’s stupid. I’m sorry for waking you. Go back to sleep.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott is one hundred percent awake now, fully intent on listening to whatever Lucas has to say. “No it’s alright. I’m awake now.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“It’s not important.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Lucas. I don’t care if it’s important or not. Are you okay, is there something going on?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucas doesn’t say anything for a moment, but Eliott can hear him shifting around, like he’s trying to get comfortable before he says whatever he’s going to say.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“We were at the beach.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott really wants to hear what Lucas has to say, but it’s late and he can’t connect all the dots.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucas keeps talking before Eliott can ask what he’s talking about.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“The first time you told me you loved me.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
    Oh. <i>Oh</i>.
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott remembers. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I remember,” he says, softly, and waits for Lucas to speak again.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“You remember, we were there with the guys? Bas drove us all down in his dad’s huge car. He was such an awful driver. I was holding on so tightly to you because he was swerving so much.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>As if Eliott could ever forget the feeling of Lucas’ hands on him. “Yeah, he was god awful. Although I could never really complain about having you all over me,” Eliott says quietly, biting his lip.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He hears Lucas pause, clearly affected by Eliott’s words. “That first night we were there. It was in the evening, because it took all day to drive there.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Once we got to the airbnb we just threw all of our stuff down and ran to the beach,” Eliott says fondly, completing the next part of the story. “I held your hand the whole time we ran.” </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Yeah, you did.” Eliott can tell Lucas is smiling through his voice. “When we got there, the sun was already setting. God, do you remember how breathtaking it was?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott can only remember one thing being breathtaking that night. “Yeah. It really was.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“And you picked me up and spun me around, and…”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott knows what happens next, what Lucas was about to say. “And I kissed you.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“You kissed me,” Lucas whispers. “And you looked at me, at the sun setting, then back at me, and you just said it.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
    <i>I love you</i>.
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucas sniffs. “That was one of the happiest moments of my life. You made me so happy, Eliott.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>God, why the hell is Lucas bringing this up? Where is any of this going? This is torture, talking about their past when they’re not together anymore.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Lucas, why are you bringing this up? What are you doing? Leo?” He doesn’t mean to say it so accusingly, but he’s afraid it came out that way.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I-I don’t know. My head has kind of been all over the place lately, and I couldn’t sleep, and I guess I just missed hearing your voice. I know it’s selfish of me, because…”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Because you’re with him now.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Y-yeah. I don’t really know what I’m doing.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott sighs. This is hard. He has Lucas, telling him he wanted to talk to him, hear his voice, everything Eliott wants to hear. But he can’t fall for it when Lucas is with someone else. It doesn’t sit well with him.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I’m sorry Lucas, but it isn’t fair to either me or Leo to be calling right now, talking about this stuff. You’re with him. Call me when you’ve got your head sorted out, okay?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucas takes a shaky breath. “Okay,” he whispers. “I’m sorry. For waking you up.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“It’s okay, Lucas. Goodnight.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Goodnight, Eliott.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He tosses his phone on the bed and exhales sharply through his mouth, running his hands through his hair in disbelief. He sits on the bed for a second before lying back down, adjusting himself so he’s under the covers again.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
    That was the right thing to do, right? He couldn’t just let Lucas go on into that dangerous territory when he’s not single. No matter how much he wants Lucas back, if it happens it needs to happen right. He closes his eyes, Yann’s words in his mind. <i>Let him come to you</i>. He did come to Eliott, but it’s not enough. If anything else big happens between them, it needs to be in person, and after Lucas cuts it off with Leo.
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He falls asleep, feeling good about his intentions, but alone as ever.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>                                                                                                                             ~~~</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>It’s been a week. One week since Lucas called him and they had that conversation, and there’s been no contact. Not that Eliott had necessarily been expecting Lucas to start calling and texting him all the time, but it feels a little weird to him that they saw each other for the first time in a year and had a very nostalgic talk on the phone, and now it’s like nothing ever happened. Eliott tries not to read too much into it, but to him it means that Lucas has officially chosen Leo over him. He’s sure Lucas would have reached out in some way if he wanted to see him over these last few days, but surely he’s decided to move on from Eliott, for good, and he just wanted to rip off the bandage, no uncertainty.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott’s at home, decluttering his backpack from the previous semester of excess sketch book sheets, random bits of clay, and mini paintings done on scratch paper. Now that the campus bookstore is closed for break, he doesn’t really have much else to do except for obsessively tidy his flat, read, and take random walks around his neighborhood. He tries his best to put this whole Lucas thing behind him. He’s lived without Lucas before, he can do it again. This time it’s more of a firm punch to the gut, whereas the first time felt like a knife twisting his insides. Small victories.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Once he’s finished straightening up the pillows on his couch for the third time, he flops down on the cushions and grabs his laptop from the coffee table, going right to netflix to look for Christmas movie to end up not really paying attention to it.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  The first few minutes of “It’s a Wonderful Life” roll through on the screen, but Eliott’s mind is completely elsewhere. He’s thinking of Lucas, of course. Wonders what he’s doing, if he’s with <i>Leo</i>, if they’re cuddled up watching their own Christmas movie. If his hands are in Lucas’ hair, how they’re wrapped up around each other, if Lucas is whispering <i>baby</i> into his ear…
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Fuck this.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>In a moment of madness he picks up his phone from the table, dialing Lucas’ number. He’s had enough of these awful, insecure thoughts in his head for the past two weeks. Lucas broke up with him, met someone else, and Eliott deserves some answers, goddamn it.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucas picks up after three rings.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Hello-“</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Meet me at the café in twenty minutes. We need to talk.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Eliott? I-“</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Can you?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Well, yeah I guess but-“</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Great. See you there.” And he hangs up.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>What the hell am I doing?</i> he thinks, as he throws his brown jacket over his black hoodie and steps into his sneakers, checking his hair in the mirror before he walks out the door.
</p><p>
  On his walk to the café, he can feel himself getting more and more upset. He’s not sad, he’s <i>angry</i>. He’s not mad at Lucas for leaving, that’s understandable. But he replaced Eliott. When Eliott never dared to even look suggestively in someone else’s direction, because there was never anyone else for him besides Lucas. But Lucas was able to find someone else without a second thought. God, he’s so <i>mad</i>. He’s been through the worst year of his life and he’s fucking fed up. He didn’t deserve any of this.
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>When he turns the corner to the café, he sees Lucas is already there, standing outside, back leaned up against the brick wall. When he notices Eliott approaching him he peels himself off the wall, seemingly ready to go inside. But Eliott doesn’t want to go inside. He doesn’t think having this conversation inside the coffee shop is the smartest decision, in case things get out of hand and they ruin someone else’s quiet Sunday.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Eliott, hey,” Lucas says so normally, as if he didn’t make Eliott reenact their first time saying I love you on the phone just a week ago. “Should we go inside?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“No, Lucas, I don’t want to go inside. I want to talk right here, right now.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>The small smile Lucas previously had on his face disappears completely and he stutters in his movement towards the door. “O-Okay. Are you alright? Is there something wrong?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott scoffs. “Come on, Lucas. I heard you call Leo baby. I fucking heard you.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucas looks completely thrown, and a little confused, his crystal eyes wide. “I-I don’t-“</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“You don’t what, Lucas? You don’t remember? Was it that meaningless to you? Did it not mean anything when you called me that? I kind of have to assume that, if you’re going around calling him that now.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott’s being incredibly irrational, he knows. Deep down he knows he’s not being fair to Lucas, but he hasn’t been able to lash out about any of this since it happened. And Lucas is just on the receiving end of his rage.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  “God, Eliott, no. That’s not it at all.” Lucas’ voice is beginning to tremble, and Eliott can see his eyes glistening with tears. “Of <i>course</i> it meant something to me.”
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“If it meant something then why the hell do you call him that?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I-I just…I couldn’t…” Lucas stutters.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Is he really that much of a carbon copy of me that you just felt you <i>had</i> to call him that? Does he take you to his favorite spots in the city, too? Does he take you to the gallery, show you his paintings of you?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“No Eliott! He doesn’t do any of that shit because we broke up! I fucking broke up with him!” Lucas shouts at him, previous timid state completely shattered.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott looks at him, at his blue eyes turned red from tears, hands shaking, chest braced in a defensive mode. Eliott speaks again, quietly. “You…you broke up with him?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Yes Eliott, I did,” Lucas says back, a bit breathlessly.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Why?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  Lucas chokes out a sound that’s a mix of a laugh and a sob. “<i>Why</i>? Are you kidding me? You really can’t figure it out?”
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott just shrugs and throws up his hands in exasperation.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“I didn’t just run and find a new boyfriend after we broke up, Eliott,” Lucas continues, “It wasn’t that fucking easy for me. I was fucking miserable. This whole past year has been hell. I didn’t meet Leo until like three months ago. He was just…I don’t know, a distraction. From the pain I was feeling every damn day.” Eliott can see Lucas is struggling to talk through his tears, hiccuping every few seconds, trying to catch his breath. And it’s the totally wrong time to be thinking this, but it’s so <i>tender</i>. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  “I didn’t feel for him even a <i>fraction</i> of what I feel for you. Nothing could ever compare to that. Ever. And for the baby thing…I think it comforted the part of me that missed you so much. It was like, if I called him that, it was like I still had a part of us every day. But I’m so sorry, Eliott. I didn’t think when I called him that in front of you. I’m so fucking sorry.”
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott stands, shocked at everything Lucas just told him. It was one thing to hear those things from Yann, and a whole other thing to hear them from Lucas himself. Lucas looks worn out, like saying all of that took a serious toll. His chest is rising and falling quickly, and all Eliott wants to do his reach out a hand, feel his heart beat.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  “What you <i>feel</i> for me?” Eliott says, voice hoarse from shouting. “You mean, you, you still…”
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucas takes a small, tentative step closer to Eliott, tears continuing to flow down his face. “Of course, Eliott. Of course I still love you. I have never stopped loving you, not for a single second since I’ve known you. I loved you when we were together, I loved you when you were in rehab, I loved you when I was with him, I love you now. And I will love you forever.” Lucas steps forward, and reaches out his hand until it’s brushing Eliott’s, and he takes it in his. He does the same with his other hand.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott’s cheeks feel damp, and he didn’t even realize he had started crying until now. His hands tremble in Lucas’, but he leans down slowly until his forehead is touching Lucas’. His love.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Lucas,” Eliott whispers, his voice strained from emotion. He brushes his nose with Lucas’. “God, my Lucas. I still love you, too. I loved you this whole time. I could never love anyone else,” he says softly, as he lets go of one of his hands to bring it up, cupping Lucas’ face. Then Lucas lets go of Eliott’s hand to wrap his arm around Eliott’s neck. Eliott shudders.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucas smiles up at Eliott, biting his lip. “Can I kiss you now, baby?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott’s heart soars, and a new wave of tears fills his eyes, but this time they’re filled with joy. He nods frantically. “Yes, please.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucas surges forward and connects their lips, and it’s like everything in Eliott’s life coming back together. He brings his other hand to Lucas’ hair, fingers getting lost in the thick strands. They’re kissing the fucking life out of each other, kissing so intensely Eliott is sure his lips are going to be bruised later. Lucas’ lips slide desperately against his again and again, and Eliott is happy to take whatever Lucas gives. He runs his tongue along Lucas’ lower lip and Lucas opens up even further, taking as much of Eliott’s space as he can. It’s probably far too much for being seen on the street in the middle of the day, but no one seems to care enough to make any comment.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>They break apart, and Lucas wraps his arms around Eliott’s waist, bringing him in to hug. His head rests right on top of Eliott’s heart and Eliott feels him press a kiss right there. Eliott hold’s Lucas’ head and kisses right by his hairline, letting his lips linger lazily. He revels at the feeling of having Lucas in his arms again, for real. Lucas pulls back and looks at Eliott, but his eyes are fleeting between looking at Eliott, at the ground, in any random direction.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott caresses Lucas’ cheek lightly with his hand. “Is there something wrong?” He asks, slightly concerned.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucas quickly shakes his head, but he’s still looking at the ground and fidgeting his feet. “No. It’s just, um. My flat is only a block away, if-if you want to…?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucas doesn’t even need to finish his question. Eliott tilts Lucas’ face back up by his chin and kisses him firmly. When he pulls back Lucas looks like he’s in a daze. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” he whispers, smiling like an idiot.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Really?” Lucas asks, excitedly, eyes bright, biting his lip.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott chuckles. “Lucas, I haven’t gotten laid in a year. Yes.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Lucas laughs and takes Eliott’s hand, and they take off down the street, like the two idiots in love that they are.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>                                                                                                                              ~~~</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  From there it’s all very fast. They burst into Lucas’ flat, already grabbing at each other’s clothes. Eliott licks fiercely into Lucas’ mouth and Lucas groans, a deep vibration that Eliott can feel in his tongue. Lucas throws his jacket off as Eliott slides his hands under Lucas’ shirt to hold his bare waist before pulling it up over his head. Lucas leans back in to kiss him again, once, twice, three times, before tearing off Eliott’s own jacket and and sliding his hands under the sweatshirt to rest on Eliott’s abs, which twitch involuntarily. Lucas’ hands squeeze Eliott’s waist before traveling lower, lower, <i>lower</i>…
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott’s breath hitches as Lucas’ hand finds its way down, <i>so close</i>, before he brings it back up to aggressively tear Eliott’s hoodie from him. They come back together in a kiss, crushing their mouths together as Eliott turns them until he has Lucas up against the wall, pushing his leg between Lucas’. Lucas moans when he presses against Eliott grinding himself onto Eliott’s thigh, and it isn’t too long before Eliott is painfully hard himself inside his jeans. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott pulls back from kissing Lucas for a moment, and just looks at him. His heart tugs at the image: his flushed cheeks, his lust-filled eyes, his red lips. He loves him so much.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He loves Lucas when he pulls down Eliott’s pants and briefs in one swift movement, and swallows him down just like he used to, right there in their living room, making him feel so good he could cry.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He loves Lucas when he kicks his pants off his ankles and when he takes off Lucas’ sweatpants and briefs, marveling at his beauty.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He loves Lucas when he jumps up into Eliott’s arms, wrapping his legs firmly around his waist, not breaking away from their kiss, even when Eliott starts to walk them towards what he presumes is Lucas’ bedroom. </i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He loves Lucas when he throws him playfully onto the bed and jumps on top of him, tickling his sides, and Lucas laughs so brightly it makes up for all of their lost time.</i></i></p><p>
  <i>
    
  </i>
</p><p><i><i>He loves Lucas when he’s under him, holding Eliott’s face in his hands, silently communicating to him that he’s ready.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  He loves Lucas in the way his mouth tilts open and his back arches when Eliott slowly pushes in, gently for him. It feels like they’re picking up where they left off, like nothing has changed. Lucas crosses his ankles around Eliott’s waist, bringing him closer, deeper. Eliott buries his face in Lucas’ neck, and with each movement he’s panting, Lucas whispering, “Fuck, you feel so good, god Eliott, I missed you so much baby. <i>Baby, baby</i>…”
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott’s pace quickens, driven by Lucas’ short breaths and sounds, and when Lucas’ eyelids flutter and he scratches down Eliott’s back, moans filled with the pleasure of his release, Eliott stifles his own pleasure-filled groans by leaning down to catch Lucas’ lips in a searing kiss, one that would have made his legs turn to jelly if he were standing up.</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>After, they lay on their sides under the covers and just look at each other. Eliott brushes strands of hair out of Lucas’ eyes, revealing the sweat that’s collected on his forehead. Lucas is looking at him smugly and he reaches forward to poke Eliott’s nose playfully. “You know, for someone who hasn’t gotten laid in a year you still really know what you’re doing.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott smirks. “Oh yeah?”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>“Yeah. I love you, baby.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott sighs contently, and pulls Lucas close so his head is right against his chest. “I love you, too. I’m never letting you go again.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>He hears Lucas scoff, and he laughs. “I’m not going anywhere, baby.”</i>
  </i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <i>Eliott settles into Lucas’ warmth, and for the first time in a year, Eliott sleeps peacefully.</i>
  </i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>DISCLAIMER: I am very aware that it often takes people much longer than a few months and one or two relapses to get sober for good. but for the sake of timeline I didn't really want to make it like that.<br/>I really really hope you liked it🥺 leave a comment telling me what you think!<br/>Tumblr: eliotts-eyes</p></blockquote></div></div>
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